Part 93: The Internet

hippo

Hello. My name is Katie and I am addicted to the internet. And also, potentially, alcohol.

There are moments in life when one must look at one’s flaws and admit that one is not ready to embark upon a romantic relationship of any kind. That there is a great load of heavy, crushing baggage that needs unpacking before settling into close personal relations with a stranger, or a once-platonic friend.

Such moments can happen at any point during the working week, but are most common at weekends and on holidays – when there is no work to distract you from thinking about yourself and the perilous state of your romantic life.

For example, in the process of becoming addicted to the internet on a recent holiday, I discovered all manner of things about my inner-self that would have been potentially disastrous should I have entered into a relationship without knowing about them and addressing them accordingly (I’ve yet to do the latter).

Handily, these things can be separated into two lists, ‘Things I didn’t Know I Hated before I Had an Internet Addiction’ and ‘Things I Didn’t Know I Loved Before I Had an Internet Addiction.’ I’ll post them both below, but before I do I want to say this: just imagine, as you read them, the kind of bombshell such self-discovery would have dropped on a lover, had I had one.

It’s almost not worth thinking about.

Unless you’re actively trying to put yourself off having a romance, which I guess, if you’re reading this, you probably are.

Things I Didn’t Know I Hated

Selfies
The phrase ‘political correctness gone mad’
Open letters
The concept of a ‘Manic Pixie Dream Girl’
People who use the phrase ‘Manic Pixie Dream Girl’, as though it were a real, serious thing
Banal Feminism
Celebrity lifestyle profiles
Celebrities voicing opinions on politics
Any public figure voicing an opinion on politics, including politicians
Pictures of foodstuffs that contain chorizo
News items that reference twitter
Facial expressions described inside asterisks (*I want to shoot you in the face face*)
Knee-jerk government statements
Campaigns/protests that don’t involve violence or civil disobedience
People replacing their middle name with an ‘eccentric’ alternative (‘James “Madforit” Dean’)
My twitter persona
All people’s twitter personas (except yours)
‘Hun’ (as an abbreviation of the endearment ‘honey’)
Pictures of strangers’ hen dos, dinner parties and weddings
Pictures of friends’ hen dos, dinner parties and weddings – especially ones I was not invited to
New-fangled emoticons ()
Public declarations of love
Any person who refers to The Guardian as ‘The Graun’
Earnest sincerity
Ambiguous aggression
Live Q & As
Joyous announcements shared by friends and acquaintances online before they’ve texted to tell me personally
Arguing with stupid people
Puns.

Things I Didn’t Know I Loved

Cats
Praise from strangers
Pictures of animals and humans kissing
Princess Diana’s hair
Pictures of any infant mammal
Pictures of anthropomorphized frogs
Blogs about nail varnish
‘Bbe’ (as an abbreviation of the endearment ‘babe’)
Lists
Traditional emoticons (:))
Cheryl Cole’s face
The acronym OMG
Pictures of my own feet.

*The image used here recently did the rounds as a meme. So I’m presuming whoever owns the copyright is neither diligent nor litigious. If I’m wrong, please contact me before embarking upon legal action and I’ll take it down. It’s cute though – I hope you don’t make me.

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4 thoughts on “Part 93: The Internet

  1. Pucker Up Buttercup says:

    To my list of things I didn’t know I loved I would now have to add your blog. You’re terribly talented and funny! And, no pressure or anything, but I’m depending on you now as my sole source of entertainment.

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