Part 56: Missionary Position

I’ll admit that Annie Lennox, circa the Eurhythmics years, has been fairly influential in terms of the curation of my current image. Well, her and Paula Yates (and Carmela Soprano, obvs, but that’s another story). That edgy, peroxide hair/peeping black roots/scarlet lipstick/skin-tight-t-shirt thing is def the style to rock single ladies – unless you want to get lots of sex, in which case I’ll be honest and say that I can’t give testimony as to its prowess in that area due to my own involuntary virtual celibacy since I adopted the look. Although I suggest we cast that minor detail aside for now, because you will need to trust me as a sexual expert for the purposes of this discussion.

Anyway, the reason I bring her up is because another thing that links the Annie of the 80s to my own current self is the missionary position – not because I know anything at all about Annie’s sex life during that period (apart from that she got it on with Dave Stewart, and then he ended up breaking her heart by shagging someone out of Bananarama – God, men are such arseholes aren’t they? Especially when they’re bearded), but because she sang that song ‘Missionary Man’ which always plays in my head when I meet a ripped bachelor cad that I’d like to wrap inside my bedclothes and perform unspeakable acts with. This isn’t because I fall for Christian men very often. It’s because the missionary is my favourite position, you know: sexually.

My understanding of relationships, such as it is, is that even when the sex is good there comes a point when your partner wants to experiment. For example, by using his strength to manoeuvre you into uncomfortable positions ‘during’, or by purchasing gifts of synthetic lacy underwear and expecting you to wear them for his titillation ‘before’. I know it’s unfashionable to say in the contemporary porn-age when we’re all supposed to confess to an urge for uninhibited, debauched sexy time, but I’m going to speak universal truth right now and you’re going to secretly nod even though you’ll want to pretend to disagree: all that effort in the bedroom, bathroom, back of a Renault Clio or wherever is a lot of unnecessary hard work for the fairly easy to achieve result of an orgasm.

My life experience has taught me that the easiest way to get something done is usually not only both cost and time effective, but also gives the best results. Like frying a steak for four minutes in foaming butter, or getting someone else to do the ironing. Faffing about for hours with sex is just not a terribly clever way to go about things. Consider: even though hippies indulge in regular Tantric carnal activity, they also smoke a lot of weed to release pent-up tension, and often forget to wash and style their hair.

I realise that you might be wary of taking my advice on sexual matters at face value after some of the sexual confessionals that I have posted here in the past few months. But, while it’s true that I’ve not necessarily garnered a reputation as a sex symbol in any of the regions of the UK I’ve inhabited, I do honestly think I’ve done alright in that area – precisely because of the advice I’m about to give you now: keep it missionary. Except when you’re on holiday, with unlimited leisure time. I mean this in all seriousness; missionary is the perfect position for maximum sexual satisfaction at the quickest speed for both partners, as long as you do it right. I’m not going to offer a how-to here though (because my little brother reads this blog and I don’t want to gross him out), suffice to say it’s fairly straightforward – I mean, come on, Christians do it.

Of course it’s not really possible to have a satisfying sexual relationship with a hot lover lover without mixing it up a bit in the bedroom. I’m not mental, I know this, and it’s why I promote single life with such fervour. Staying single means that the sporadic sexual activity you might engage in can be maximised for your own pleasure. And it never becomes tiresome for either partner. How is the next fleeting fling to know that you always revert to missionary if you only sleep with him once? He’s not (just don’t make the unfortunate mistake of sleeping with a group of hot lover lovers who know each other, and discuss their sex lives in detail).

So, while I don’t recommend the one night stand for spiritual reasons, I do recommended missionary as the go-to position when the sexual frustration is just too much. Because, yes, being single is the thing – but sometimes, you do just want a fuss free orgasm administered by someone else. There’s no need to feel guilty about that. You are only human.

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5 thoughts on “Part 56: Missionary Position

      • Trent Lewin says:

        Well I still love her, diva or not. Was talking about “Love is a Stranger” the other day with someone, that is a song that has held up well. If you resemble Annie, you are doing great. FYI, I liked your article, and the point of it, sometimes love is love and doesn’t need embellishment. Brave writing ma’am, you just don’t see stuff like this often.

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