Part 3: Blow Jobs

So this one’s for the girls/gays (although I think the gays tend to be a bit more pro-blow, so my girlies, I’ll admit it – this is for you).

Now I’m not saying that just because you’re single you need to forsake your sex life. What I am saying is that now that you are single you can have the kind of sex life that is all about your pleasure. Because – let’s face it – if you’re in a relationship there comes a point (usually during the first few days of a heavy period), where he’s horny and sex is off the cards. Now of course, we’re all strong, modern, self assured grownups who don’t need to suck dick to get respect. Blah-de-blah. I geddit. But sometimes he does them big cow eyes at you and you love and him and you think: fuck it, it’s not always about my pleasure. And because we live in a post-modern, post-porn vortex of expectation – you get down to it.

I don’t believe anyone who says they enjoy giving head. In my experience women who say that are the same women who tell me they can’t orgasm the old fashioned way (missionary), and so I’m always suss about their capcity for pleasure.

See, I don’t care what you say about how seeing him getting turned on turns you on: you MUST be lying. Not only is giving a blow job plain unpleasant, but it is also well boring.I know it isn’t torture, and when you get into it it turns out it’s alright in the way that altruism is always alright: you get a warm love-bubble for doing something nice for someone else. But at least with a charity fun-run you also get to tighten your bum and extend your life expectancy.

So: to return to my central point. Giving a blow job is the most unenviable of partner duties and you should rejoice that such things are no longer expected of you. However, in case you need reminding of your luck, let’s think about exactly why the BJ is both unpleasant and boring. Well, it’s unpleasant because, how can I put this: you have someone’s genitals in your mouth and they might just have done a wee out of them! Also – you don’t know what’s under the foreskin until you’ve actually tasted it. Unless you’ve done some kind of pre-blow job touchy stuff and asked him to wash ( although, I suppose if he’s circumsized that isn’t really an issue – so tips for your next hot date: find a Jewish one). Unpleasant because ‘it’ sometimes goes too deep and makes you gag; and then when you kind of pull away he grabs your head and tries to shove it deeper.* Unpleasant because you have to make that decision about whether to ‘spit’ or ‘swallow’ or pull out before he ‘finishes’ (wow, sex talk seems to bring out all the inverted commas in me). Boring because after a bit, your jaw starts to properly ache and you have to break off and ask ‘are you gonna come in a minute?’ Which is probably counterproductive, but you have to say something when you’re this BORED and uncomfortable. I thought you guys were supposed to love a BJ – what’s with the taking more than five seconds to climax? THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. I don’t want to kneel/lie there counting to three hundred and running the spit/swallow/pull out and have him sulk conundrum through my head. I want a standing ovation and then an uninterrupted night’s sleep with appreciative spooning.

So, unless they have a sex life modelled on a 1950s Catholic marriage – you can look at all your mates with dates and LAUGH. Because when they go home tonight, there’s a chance that their man will do the big horny cow eyes and they’ll feel obliged to say ‘yes’. And now, as you have chosen to be fabulously solitary instead of conventionally coupled, you don’t have to say yes to the cow eyes ever again. You don’t even need to look at the cow eyes. You can buy a big fat bar of Dairy Milk and eat it on the sofa, in your knickers, with and cup of tea and the heating up, watching Legally Blonde and pretending you’re a lawyer by doing a ‘legal definition of murder’ search on the internet. Congratulations!

*I once got given a tip though, by an experienced blow-jobber of the gay variety about how to avoid the ‘head shove’ and maintain ‘pleasure for him’. I was advised to use a move known as the ‘Corey Twist’. This is when you only put it (the penis) in your mouth half-way, but kind of gently twist the bottom at the same time as massage the top with your tongue. Apparently, guys go wild for it. I wouldn’t know – like I said, one of the advantages of being single is that you don’t have to bother with all that shiz.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Part 3: Blow Jobs

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s